Z

Insanity, a subtle foe

Good old insanity is back in my life. THANKFULLY, it’s not really mine to pick up (trust me I won’t). At work, I have been working this open can of worms of a project. It seemed like my team’s part of the effort was complete (yes!), and we had passed it on to the next team for formal reviews. SYKE!

They found some new problems and bounced that sucker right back to us. Just month ago when we started this part of the project, it was my first time EVER. I still consider the process new to me, but upon re-starting I can already see the people around me doing the same things over and expecting it to be different. There are lots of rationalizations flying around…

  • We can’t have fore-thought about what we’re doing, it will make us late. We need to stick to the schedule.
  • Dig deeper? Well that would cost more money.
  • Well of course John Doe is working on it AGAIN, he’s the only one who knows it well enough.
  • Did I mention the schedule?

Perhaps I can see it because I’m trained from being in recovery to look for this kind of pattern?

AA has taught me that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. When it came to my drinking, I learned that the insane behavior started LONG before the drink.

I had the same feelings. I went to the same bars. I hung out with the same people. I made myself the same empty promises to not drink. There was never a change in action. I held so tightly to the illusion that sometimes I could control my drinking. There were lots of rationalizations that kept me stuck in old behaviors just like I am watching my co-workers exhibit today.

I can’t think my own way out of this type of situation. I need to be willing to ask for help. I don’t always see insanity when its plaguing me until I realize I am in pain for the hundredth time. To get better I need to take suggestions to get out of my comfort zone.

Even though its not mine to control, I’ll be riding the insane train at work here for the next few weeks, but at least Im not the conductor.  More and more, I realize that life is just taking it in stride and not putting my name on other people’s crazy. I plan to just show up, do my job, and maybe a little of God’s will along the way.

Keeping my eyes open for those God winks….

-Z

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