Things have settled down a lot for me 🙂 #TYG. The move is over, job has started. All is well. For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying what people call free time. And it is quite nice. However that is not always my first initial reaction.
My disease lives in my head and will take any opportunity it can get. So here I am, enjoying some free time and it goes like this:
This is nice. I finally get to relax…wait, I’m bored, it’s quiet, I’m feeling lonely. Should I be doing something? Nah, I’ll just watch TV….OMG, did you just spend the whole evening watching TV?! You definitely could have worked out, cleaned, fed the poor, donated a kidney, you are such a bad person. SHUT UP.
And that is exactly how it goes. My brain can turn any situation into “you’re not good enough.” I can fairly quickly recognize the disease and either tell it to politely leave or straight up shut up.
Next we analyze: what’s the fear behind sitting on the couch for an evening?
Fear that I am not good enough (this is a repeat offender…basically my entire 4th step). Chronically I am coming up with creative ways to keep that false fear alive.
What I really see here is a ‘God Separator’. Anything that keeps me in fear keeps me from God. Period. End of story. As long as I keep holding on the this belief (no matter how short of a time period) I am blocking God from entering. And that is completely my choice. Hmmm….looks like I have some work to do here…..