C

God Separators

Things have settled down a lot for me 🙂 #TYG. The move is over, job has started. All is well. For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying what people call free time. And it is quite nice. However that is not always my first initial reaction. 

My disease lives in my head and will take any opportunity it can get. So here I am, enjoying some free time and it goes like this:

This is nice. I finally get to relax…wait, I’m bored, it’s quiet, I’m feeling lonely.  Should I be doing something?  Nah, I’ll just watch TV….OMG, did you just spend the whole evening watching TV?! You definitely could have worked out, cleaned, fed the poor, donated a kidney, you are such a bad person. SHUT UP.  

And that is exactly how it goes. My brain can turn any situation into “you’re not good enough.” I can fairly quickly recognize the disease and either tell it to politely leave or straight up shut up. 

Next we analyze: what’s the fear behind sitting on the couch for an evening? 

Fear that I am not good enough (this is a repeat offender…basically my entire 4th step). Chronically I am coming up with creative ways to keep that false fear alive. 

What I really see here is a ‘God Separator’. Anything that keeps me in fear keeps me from God. Period. End of story. As long as I keep holding on the this belief (no matter how short of a time period) I am blocking God from entering. And that is completely my choice. Hmmm….looks like I have some work to do here…..

-C

4 thoughts on “God Separators

  1. I like this God Separator idea. I’ve heard that’s definition of sin: that which separates us from God. As for the idleness. I never idled well in my life. So, I can really relate to the antsiness feeling you describe. I can’t just sit there and do nothing. My hamster wheel keeps spinning.

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  2. Fear…

    False Evidence Appearing Real.
    Frantic Effort to Appear Recovered.
    F#ck Everything And Run.

    My sponsor used to ask me, “What are you afraid of?”
    Everything unimaginable.

    “This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve.” (Big Book, 67)

    For me, fear can be paralyzing. I’m not alone. I like what the Big Book asks….

    “But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?” (Big Book, 67)

    My inventory showed me that I was responsible.

    Inventory, confession, prayer and action.

    “We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.” (68)

    It’s an overlooked prayer from the book that helped me a lot. Usually, God,puts me in front of a new person and I gain perspective on my problems.

    It does say TRUDGE the road to happy destiny.

    Nice to meet you fellow trudger.

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