I work the hardest to guard myself from what I fear the most these days – what you think of me.
Fear is a tricky little thing. It is healthy in proportion. I SHOULD be afraid when being chased by a giant predator. Fear warns me about things that aren’t good for me. It kicks in flight, fright, and freeze and all that good natural instinct kind of stuff. If I’m not careful though, I can let fear keep me STUCK.
I struggle most with this when it comes to owning my good qualities. I think its a bit two-fold for me:
First, it’s a vulnerability thing. I will refer to the dictionary here. Dictionary.com defines vulnerability as, “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation.” This nails it for me. If I don’t put myself out there and wear my good qualities proudly then I’m not open to attack. If I don’t let the good qualities in and make them part of me, then I’m SAFE.
You can’t have something from me that I don’t think I have.
You can’t have power of me, because if I don’t let you know who I am, how can you have an opinion about it?
You can’t ask more of me than I’m willing to give.
The best defense is a good offense, right?
The second part of this is that I actually start to believe the lies I create in this SICK SICK SICK cocoon I build for myself.
Maybe I’m not smart?
Maybe I’m not capable?
Maybe I’m not attractive?
Maybe I’m not enough?
The danger when my fear takes over, and I lock down in protect-o mode is that I’m so busy protecting myself that I essentially make myself spiritually unreachable. I unable to receive what my higher power has in the plan for me. Crap.
I lose my humility.
I lose my sense of self.
I lose what really are the great qualities about me.
The lesson for me AGAIN that is bubbling up is humility and the 11th step. Humility is being right sized. It’s not being more than I am OR being less than I am. It’s being who I am, and who my God wants me to be.
I had some experiences this week, just a few small things, where I really put myself out there, and I let go of the outcome. I assure you that my higher power was at the steering wheel on that one. I guess as I’m typing this right now I am realizing I turned it over. I let it slip, in a place where I don’t feel safe, that maybe I am actually pretty damn smart, capable, witty, and kind. The secret is coming out, and you know what?
I didn’t die. The amazing thing was how seriously connected I felt to my fellows and my higher power. It really hit me hard that when I close down to protect that I also close out my higher power and the plan for me.
If I just stop worrying about myself so damn much, and turn my mind to what I can do for others versus what I will get or what I THINK will happen to me, I believe miracles await.
More will be revealed…