I found myself in resentment town this week. Damnit.
Our literature says, resentment is the number one offender. It tells me anger is a “dubious luxury” that I as an alcoholic cannot afford.
I am a few weeks into an assignment at work that has flared up all kinds of old behaviors for me.
I found myself swayed by the urgency of the situation. I was valuing what others thought of me more than my self care. I let the diseased thinking whisper in my ear all week long…
I’m not doing a good job.
If I push myself, this will end faster.
I have to stay or else it won’t get finished.
If I don’t stay the team will lose motivation, and they won’t respect me.
If I miss this deadline, then they will think I can’t hang.
Instead of dismissing all this sick thinking, I let it in. BOY DID I LET IT IN. Truth be told, I am not through this storm yet! This drove me to make sacrifices and have expectations.
My boss was just trying to have a teaching moment with me and he ended up on “the list”, and I landed a ticket to resentment town. Could he have picked a better moment and delivery for his lesson? Absolutley, but that does not absolve me of my part.
The literature tells me that my problems are largely of my own making and that when I find myself hurt, I always have placed myself in a position to be hurt.
Instead of looking inward for the solution, I started looking outside of me for the cause. Queue the blame game.
The reality of the situation is that I am actually hanging in there pretty darn well. No one is unhappy with my performance or upset with me. Except me.
I recognize my defect at work here is PRIDE. My pride hates when I admit it’s the cause. Thanks to the program I know the spiritual principle that I can apply here to help get me back on track is some humility.
I am not a robot, and I will not do things perfectly. I am allowed to make mistakes; it’s how we learn. The project will go on without the all powerful me. I forget that fact often. Today, I pray for the strength to be right sized. I need it.
Because the truth is, for this drunk, any day I abstain from a drink and help another drunk is a success all on its own. The rest is just in the noise.